Top 5 Things That Make Me Go From Ignored to Wanted

It's amazing really. I can sit in the same room with my kids for hours and they barely notice me. Sometimes I'm afraid to move for fear that they will take notice that I'm actually there. There are a few things, however, that draw the attention of all beings in my home (kids, animals, husband) and make me the most wanted woman. It also turns every mundane need into a "drop everything now" emergency.

1. Going to the bathroom (as Louise mentioned here). It's not like I'm in there for an hour, like some people who shall not be named. I'm usually out in a couple minutes. Yet as I sit down, here is the sequence: the cat saunters in, the dog comes to see what the cat is doing, and one (or two, sometimes all 3) of the humans starts calling for me in an urgent tone that makes me think the house is burning down and we must evacuate this second. For the love of Maude, can I get 60 seconds??!!


2. The Phone call. It doesn't happen that often. It's not like I'm  Miss Popularity, plus I prefer to text. The second they sense that I am engaged in a phone conversation, I am immediately bombarded by needs, questions, and complaints. The more important the phone call... the more they interrupt. "Mom, can I make my Christmas list?" ....it's January.

3. Cooking. This brings all the animals around. The dog plops in front of my stove, causing me to have to hover over a dog while attempting to cook a meal that my kids will not eat. Then the cat comes to check out what's cooking, meows at the dog in contempt and moves on. The kids ask every five minutes about what we are having for dinner, proclaim that they are starving and then proceed to whine about whatever it is I have decided to make. Husband walks in and declares he is so hungry and can't wait, eats left overs and isn't hungry for the dinner that I cooked while standing over the dog. So if you're keeping track, the only one eating my dinner is ME. Christ on a cracker... I could of made a sandwich.

4. Eating. This one has been setting off alarms since the kids were born. The minute I sit down to eat, someone cries, throws a fit, or needs something. It's a miracle I eat any food. Do they not know that if I don't eat not only will I be a cranky bitch, but they won't have anyone to do their bidding?


5. Showering. Typically I save this event for when the kids are at school and the husband is at work, but it can't always work out that way. No matter how much I prepare them ahead of time and ask if they need anything before I get in the shower, it never fails that someone come sauntering in interrupting my 10 minutes of bliss. The cat likes all doors open, so when I close the door to the bathroom he meows regardless of what side he is in. So I have to listen to his howling the entire time. The kids usually require some arbitration of a disagreement, which obviously can't wait until I have some clothes on. The husband comes in to oggle my bits and pieces just because he can.....sigh.

I'm not sure when I signed away my rights to privacy, but I'd like to review that contract ASAP.

-Thelma