I am NACHO superhero!

A super hero would have endless supplies of patience and teaching ability, don't you think? I don't. I'm not going to promise that I won't lose my schmidt on them, cause I just did. Turns out being a un-superhero has some advantages. When you pitch a mommy sized fit, they get scared. They get quiet and what's that? Ready for school 15 mins. early?! Nice! Now I realize this isn't a long-term solution. I'm not a complete idiot. (I reserve the right to be an idiot again, however...)

So, when I see the quotes from the news feed of US and PEOPLE and celebs on Twitter saying they "Love spending time with their family, they are everything to me". I cry BS! You love spending some time with them. Too much togetherness can be a bad thing. How are they going to learn to live without you if you are never apart? It's good for everyone involved! That's why there are Girls weekends and Boys weekends.

While I have enjoyed my kids much more in the last few years and relished my summer with them, I still need time away. I just booked my airline for our girls' weekend in May and I'm struck by the irony of the day. They whine and argue with me and cry and pitch fits about absolutely nothing and on the Thursday before I leave they will cry and tell me that they want to come with me and say they will miss me and they will cry that I'm going to be gone. (Making hubby feel like gold, I'm sure!)

Sorry kids, this un-superhero is going to recharge her un-super batteries and laugh and sip on margaritas poolside while checking out the families dealing with tantrums and whining and know that for 3 short days, I am #winning and for that, the whole family will be #winning when I return!

Just booking the ticket makes me a better Mom, I'm just sure of it! (Or we'll find out after school!)

"Bonnie"

Top 5 Things That Make Me Go From Ignored to Wanted

It's amazing really. I can sit in the same room with my kids for hours and they barely notice me. Sometimes I'm afraid to move for fear that they will take notice that I'm actually there. There are a few things, however, that draw the attention of all beings in my home (kids, animals, husband) and make me the most wanted woman. It also turns every mundane need into a "drop everything now" emergency.

1. Going to the bathroom (as Louise mentioned here). It's not like I'm in there for an hour, like some people who shall not be named. I'm usually out in a couple minutes. Yet as I sit down, here is the sequence: the cat saunters in, the dog comes to see what the cat is doing, and one (or two, sometimes all 3) of the humans starts calling for me in an urgent tone that makes me think the house is burning down and we must evacuate this second. For the love of Maude, can I get 60 seconds??!!


2. The Phone call. It doesn't happen that often. It's not like I'm  Miss Popularity, plus I prefer to text. The second they sense that I am engaged in a phone conversation, I am immediately bombarded by needs, questions, and complaints. The more important the phone call... the more they interrupt. "Mom, can I make my Christmas list?" ....it's January.

3. Cooking. This brings all the animals around. The dog plops in front of my stove, causing me to have to hover over a dog while attempting to cook a meal that my kids will not eat. Then the cat comes to check out what's cooking, meows at the dog in contempt and moves on. The kids ask every five minutes about what we are having for dinner, proclaim that they are starving and then proceed to whine about whatever it is I have decided to make. Husband walks in and declares he is so hungry and can't wait, eats left overs and isn't hungry for the dinner that I cooked while standing over the dog. So if you're keeping track, the only one eating my dinner is ME. Christ on a cracker... I could of made a sandwich.

4. Eating. This one has been setting off alarms since the kids were born. The minute I sit down to eat, someone cries, throws a fit, or needs something. It's a miracle I eat any food. Do they not know that if I don't eat not only will I be a cranky bitch, but they won't have anyone to do their bidding?


5. Showering. Typically I save this event for when the kids are at school and the husband is at work, but it can't always work out that way. No matter how much I prepare them ahead of time and ask if they need anything before I get in the shower, it never fails that someone come sauntering in interrupting my 10 minutes of bliss. The cat likes all doors open, so when I close the door to the bathroom he meows regardless of what side he is in. So I have to listen to his howling the entire time. The kids usually require some arbitration of a disagreement, which obviously can't wait until I have some clothes on. The husband comes in to oggle my bits and pieces just because he can.....sigh.

I'm not sure when I signed away my rights to privacy, but I'd like to review that contract ASAP.

-Thelma

Even the NACHO maid needs time to herself.

I remember when the twins were about 18 months old and I was so excited that I had finally reached this great milestone.I could take a shower while they were awake and cruising. No longer did I have to waste precious napping time for the MUCH needed shower. I hated squandering that quiet 2 hours by shaving my legs and drying my hair. Instead I would rather be on the computer chatting for adult interaction or napping. Not sure which I treasured more at that time.

Now, at the ripe old age of double 5 and 7 I have decided that its time to mark off a new milestone in the baby book. The one where Mom gets to "potty" in quiet. I swear as soon as my @$$ hits the porcelain God someone starts screaming, "Mom!" "Mom!" "Where are you?" Or even better, "Honey?" And by that time I scream back, "I am on the freakin' toilet!" Its as if a light goes off in the family room to alert my kids and husband that Mom has finally sat down. Beep! Beep! Beep! "We have contact on the loo. I repeat, contact on the loo!"

Now, I lock the bathroom door and turn on the fan. And I no longer answer to the people of this house summoning my whereabouts during my time on the WC. Soon, I may just even read a magazine...

I am apparently NACHO witty, quick comeback, awesome TV MOM!

In the battles of toddlers and babies and sleep and feedings, it's relatively easy to be #winning! But, when they can talk and argue incessantly, it's becoming much more difficult than just standing my ground and waiting for their weak wills to give in. No, they are trying much harder these days to make my life infinitely more difficult.

Among the NACHO Mommies there's a bit of a competition going on. It used to be "step aside Mother of the Year is mine! I just dropped little Susie down the stairs..." that type of competition. Whoever had the more epic parenting fail would get the MOTY award. Now it's more about being the WORST! MOMMY! EVER!!! When I tell them I'm the Worst Mommy Ever, they all laughed and said "But I thought I was the Worst Mommy ever! That's what my kid just told me!"

So, the other day when "Katie" is screaming at me about being the WME (no, that's not a wrestling acronym) and how she "HATES" me, I get to thinking. I need TV writers to live in my brain and give me the perfect comebacks! Now, normally that type of thing would hurt my Mommy Ego, but she was pitching and EPIC fit about something so inane that I couldn't be bothered to let it bother me. That's when I realized, I'm NACHO comeback queen. I wondered if any of my friends in NACHO land could help me figure out how to handle the almost 7 yr. old girl drama? Is creating drama from nothing the new art form?

I find myself losing it more and more and really hate being the yelling Mommy. Can anyone help me write a script that will make life more like "Good Luck Charlie" and less like "All in the Family?"

Thanks, Bonnie

I am NACHO everything.

Sometimes I just need a break. A break from responsibility;from being a mother, daughter, wife, sister, cook, maid, organizer.. and on and on. I just want to be. Sit around for days with nobody needing me. Days where the only thing I need is coffee and my Kindle. Days where I'm not responsible for feeding 4 people and 2 critters. Days where I don't feel guilty lounging on the couch when there is a mountain of laundry to be done. It's probably not possible to be that carefree again. No matter how far away I go or how many "girl's nights" I have, all of that is still waiting for me at home. Sure I can put it off, but really that just makes it that much more daunting. It's not that I would trade my life for anything, it's just exhausting being everything to everyone all the time. There is hope though, I'm making teaching my kids to do more. Maybe by the end of this year I'll be less "everything" and more me.

-Thelma

NACHO therapist

So my parents are going through some marital issues. My mom is constantly calling me and over-sharing. It's like somewhere along the way I stopped being her daughter and became her friend. Not that I mind being her friend, but I think there are lines that should not be crossed. I don't want to hear about her issues with my dad. Afterall, he's still my father despite his many faults. Perhaps he sucks as a husband, or maybe not. Either way it's not my place to say. So today I'm enjoying my few hours of bliss (a.k.a. kid free time) with a trip to "the Motherland" (a.k.a. Target). As I'm casually perusing the aisles, my phone rings. It's my Mom. I hesitantly pick it up and she starts in on the latest drama. I think I may have hit my breaking point in that aisle. I am NACHO therapist. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to be in the middle of it. I don't want to take sides. I think she's upset, but it had to be said or I'd be the one in need of therapy.

-Thelma

It's a NACHO Revolution!

I did it. I seized the day and went for it and the day is not over. We have a neighbor who thinks its okay to let her geriatric dog walk all over the neighborhood unsupervised. It has been bothering me for a long time and today was my breaking point. I had to stop for Old Yeller as it crossed the road, then I watched it take a $%*& on my lawn for the umpteenth time. I have been trying to be neighborly and not let it get to me. It's been hard! I mean we have tons of $%*& in our yard from our two dogs, so whats one more. Its enough, I tell ya! So, I took the bull by the horns or the dog by the collar in my case and walked it home. And kindly asked to come in for a minute. Then I dropped the bomb. Dont think I am getting a Christmas card this year. Boo hoo! But at least its once less pile of $%*& to clean up!

Oh, and today I made my boys buckle their own seat belts every time we got in the car. Yes, I have two five year old who have been spoiled by a mom in a hurry for years. If I do it, it just gets done faster. That's how I got myself into this dilemma in the first place. No more!

I'm "NACHO" nacho maker!

When my friend pitched this idea I was like "hell yeah!" I need to quit taking care of things because it's just easier! Easy is for lazy parents, right? (That's what playdates are for...keeping kids out of your hair because it easy - then just picking up the toys that the other kids went through like crack babies, because it's easier than getting OTHER people's kids to pick up at your own house. How mean is that?)

But I digress! How do I participate in a blog about being a "nacho mama" if I am not going to actively try to make my kids more independent and more self-sufficient? How to start?

1) Make a declaration (in order to make that stick, you must follow through - crap - what did I get myself into?)

I need baby steps, so I only have step 1 so far... But, I did it in WRITING. Now that I have have proficient readers, I find that to be a good place to start.

Great! I'm off to a running start! I put up the sign which the kids loved. They laughed about the nachos and Martin replied "YAY Nachos! I love nachos!"

So, when I served cornflake/ranch chicken he was deeply confused and upset!

Later when "Katie" says

to her brother "Hey "Justin", Mommy is NACHO maid" he says "I love nachos!"

Sigh...

Off to the gym! "Bonnie"

I am NACHO Keeper!

It feels like everyday I get bombarded with questions and requests. "Where are my keys?", "Have you seen my wallet?" , "Mom, where are my shoes?", "Help me find my glasses."... and on and on and on. I would love to know when I signed up to be the keeper of everyone's crap. How am I supposed to know where you left your "insert miscellaneous item"? I am not psychic or omnipotent. I haven't been secretly following you around watching you leave behind your belongings. Nobody helps me find my lost crap, so why should I find yours? Is it not enough that I have to remember every appointment and activity? Apparently not.  So lately, I've been replying to these requests with a simple "wherever you left it".  It doesn't stop the questions from coming every day, but I'm hoping that eventually these people in my house will get a clue that it is not my responsibility to be their keeper.

-Thelma

Enlisting "NACHO" help

I pitched my idea of "Nacho" Maid to my girls' weekend sisters. They took it hook, line, and sinker. We are all mothers of twins who share a common bond called insanity. Life with twins is well...exhausting. The older they get, the more complicated "it" gets and the more alcohol we consume each year we get together in May. This blog is an attempt to archive a year of friends who share baby steps forward and giant steps back to regain control of our homes, lives, and kids.

Notice how I put kids last?

2012-The Year of the "Nacho" Maid

This is my year bitches! I am no longer going to cater to my kids and maybe my husband too. He started this in all seriousness. He likes a clean house. According to him, "everything has its place." (Insert eye roll here) Well, it has gone too far. I haven't sat down in years and I quit watching TV over a year ago. I almost bought a pedometer just to track my daily mileage. But, I saved the $15 and bought some coffee instead. I need the caffeine!

For seven years, I have made beds, snacks, cleared dishes, and cleaned rooms. This year, I am taking a stand and saying NO MORE. I am NACHO maid!!! I feel so liberated and free. Well, maybe not free since I still have 3 kids and a husband to care for, and 2 Golden Retrievers who leave hair all over my nicely cleaned floors. They are currently on their second Dyson vacuum. The first one never stood a chance.

This is the year I move up on the totem pole and put myself somewhere in the mix of the 7 of us and not at the bottom. As I write my first post, there are toys all over my family room floor. I have asked the kids to pick up their toys at least 3 times. I WILL NOT PICK THEM UP. I WILL NOT PICK THEM UP. I WILL NOT PICK THEM UP. There are little Scrabble tiles and Polly Pockets everywhere. I WILL NOT PICK THEM UP!

And as I sit on the couch after getting the kids in bed, my husband comes downstairs from reading with our daughter and says, "Jesus Christ there is %$*& everywhere down here," as he kicks a toy out of the way to get to the couch. I just sit back and prop my feet up as Operation Nacho Maid is in full effect!